Sunday, 17 June 2012

Today I decided to write something. Wow. I am in a particularly melancholy mood. If you are as well, best to not read below. There are a lot of things connected in life. Below is just a tip of the iceberg, for me. I have just driven the youngest son to Druoin, to catch a train to Melb., where he will help lead an activity as part of the SEDA school which he attends. He then also gets a ticket to the game tonight, and works in Melb. tomorrow, back tomorrow night. He loves SEDA, and that is great. I struggle with the obsession with sport, and the lack of interest in God. I guess all parents do have similar concerns about these things at times, if they have faith, that is. Otherwise , if they were in my situation,sport is their god possibly already and so it wouldn't matter a bit. When we went to the Tiwi Islands a bloke who was also a teacher there quite quickly asked if he could tell me something that God had told him about me. I said 'yep', and I am old enough to know that you can listen, but you must always weigh up such things carefully. He said that God told him that I had an 'Orphan Spirit'. Now, when you get told things such as this, with the intent that God has spoken, you either respond to it, and know exactly that it is right or what it means, or you go 'Well, thanks, but I reckon you had too much pizza last night!'. Of course, you may also be wrong either way, but time will prove/disprove that. To me, it was an enlightening moment. He had no more to tell me, no cure, no magic wand to wave, no further info from God. But it resounded in me deeply, and I knew exactly what it meant, and why. What I didn't, and still don't know, is what, if anything I should or could do about it. I immediately thought of all the times we were left at home to fend for ourselves. How I was very young and in charge of my siblings. I was a terrible brother. Power, without wisdom or guidance, will do that to you. I have never felt close to my parents, I didn't cry when Dad died. It was just sad-ish. I call mum on Mother's day and birthday, because that's what good kids do. She is a nice person, but not a particularly capable mother in connecting with children. When we were on the Tiwi Islands, it was the most adventurous/scary/amazing/compelling and overwhelming time we ever had as a family. My friends were always very eager to hear the latest info, get the most recent story of the roller-coaster ride that being there was. Strangely though, when I tried on several times to communicate with my eldest children, they were so uninterested that often I could actually stop talking about it mid-way through something, and they wouldn't even notice. I showed 40 pics of the place and what we were doing up there, in spite of obvious indifference, and was then told that I shouldn't do that again, as 'XX doesn't like slide shows'. There was nothing I could do to get a spark of interest. I was completely mystified. We never received calls to see how we were fairing. We still don't. I understand that a divorce, which remains an unhappy event, can devastate children, and I take full responsibility for that, and apologize deeply to my two eldest, lovely children. I am sorry and I love you deeply. I am stuck in the middle. Nothing coming down, nothing coming up. Unable to communicate with pretty much anyone. Not sure where to end. One day, they may read, perhaps understand. Perhaps even want to communicate. As I said in the beginning, I am in a melancholy mood, and have been for some time. Forgive me if it is too self-serving, I just wanted to write it down, and hope I don;t get into trouble for doing so.